Out of Bounds

The world is obnoxiously serious. But it doesn’t have to be. This column is testament to that. In a life full of nuisance, pain, and strife there can be found a rich abundance of hilarity and laughter. Sports may seem a trivial and complex choreographed performance, but it’s really just a game. And what are games? Fun. Just like this column.
As far back as I can remember myself consciously understanding sports; I have always had a closet interest in rugby. It appeals to the little kid in me that still gets recess after lunch, and the second there’s no supervision in sight a game of two-hand touch instantly turns into tackle.
But what kind of person does it take to play a sport so lacking in protection and long shorts? I take you into the mind of senior Kyle Florence.
How long have you been playing rugby?
“For about two years now.”
In that time have you ever hidden a turkey sandwich in your shorts during a match?
“No, I prefer roast beef.”
What position do you play?
“I am a winger.”
What’s the worst injury you have received from rugby?
“My sophomore year I broke my fibula clean in half—that was not very fun, and effectively ended my season early.”
What’s the worst injury you have seen during rugby?
“One time I witnessed someone perform a sloppy tackle and get kneed right in the neck—he went down and started seizing—that was pretty scary.”
Follow up question: Did you hold that person’s hand while they were rushed to the hospital?
“Thankfully no—helped a good number of people off the field though.”
What dating advice would you give to Taylor Swift?
“My name is Kyle Florence, I live in Stevens Point, Wisconsin, and I love you.”
What is currently under your bed?
“Blankets, skis, and an assortment of other junk I couldn’t find a place for in my room.”
What size shoe did you have when you went on your first date?
“If I had to guess, probably about a size nine—I can assure you they were really ugly, as well.”
What would you wear on a man-date with Brad Pitt?
“I’d probably dress down—I wouldn’t want Brad to get the wrong impression.”
If you had 24 hours to live, would you stop to pee?
“No, but if I had 24 hours to pee, I would stop to live.”
In an ideal world, how much wood do you think a woodchuck could chuck?
“37 pounds, at least.”
When did you start shaving?
“Freshman year of High School—in retrospect, I probably could’ve waited until Junior year.”
What kind of shampoo do you use?
“Axe two-in-one shampoo and conditioner.”
Would you rather have a lifetime supply of Pop Tarts or Forrest Gump on Blue-ray?
“I already own Forrest Gump on Blu-Ray, so probably the pop tarts— but, they’d have to be the cinnamon sugar kind.”
Have you ever worn performance-enhancing socks during a rugby match?
“No, I can’t say that I have.”
Have you ever pantsed an opposing player on purpose?
“Not intentionally, but I’ve had my own shorts pulled down during a game—I’m still not really sure if it was intentional or not—I’m hoping the latter.”
In your opinion, is rugby better than football? Why?
“Personally, I think so, though I’m sort of biased. It’s a much better test of athletic ability, and overall faster and more fun to watch.”
What language is this question in?
“No comprende, senor.”
The rugby team travels to Michigan to take on Michigan Tech Saturday. May your feet be swift, and your balls inflated.
Gus Merwin
Sports Reporter

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