Review: ‘Ouija’ Bored
Photo courtesy of teastertrailer.com

Review: ‘Ouija’ Bored

When you are a sarcastic reviewer who loves ripping apart awful movies, you circle certain release dates on your calendar. I did that for “Ouija,” and it was every bit as bad as I wanted it to be.

Ouija boards are supposedly gateways to the afterlife, used to summon spirits and spell out messages from the great beyond. Let me spell something for you without a Ouija board.  T-h-i-s m-o-v-i-e s-u-c-k-s.

“Ouija” begins with the mysterious suicide of a teenage girl. Her best friends decide to bust out a Ouija board in the house she died in and turn dishonoring her memory into a game night. They try to summon her spirit instead of summoning a good script like they should have.

Their ritual goes horribly wrong and they start being haunted by a ghost with a gruesome habit of sewing mouths of her victims shut. I was rooting for her the whole time because the movie would have been much better if all of the characters had their mouths sewn shut. These actors are the definition of bland and their dialogue is more wooden than the Ouija board itself.

A lot of horror movies still survive boring actors and bad writing by providing solid scares, but “Ouija” still falls short. These kids are playing a board game that summons evil spirits, but this movie makes this less scary than watching Robin Williams play Jumanji.

Instead of providing genuine fear by endangering characters we are actually invested in, this movie relies on clichés instead. You could make a bingo card out of them. Flickering lights? Doors opening by themselves? A racist portrayal of a Mexican woman who is only there to provide exposition? Bingo!

That game would add some unpredictability. You can guess every beat in “Ouija” several seconds before it happens. The studio had no desire to do anything new. They paid for a trademark and they knew that name alone would be enough to make a profit, so there was no reason to waste time and money on making something good.

If you were planning on watching this for Halloween, you are going to feel like Charlie Brown looking into his trick ‘r treat bag, and realizing he was given a rock. “Ouija” gets four “good griefs” out of ten.

If you were planning on watching this for Halloween, you are going to feel like Charlie Brown looking into his trick ‘r treat bag, and realizing he was given a rock. “Ouija” gets four “good griefs” out of ten.

 

Brady Simenson
Contributor
bsime172@uwsp.edu

 

 

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