Back in sixth grade, I recall getting stuck doing an entire group project during the night of this beloved, ooey gooey celebration. That’s probably how a lot of people feel on Valentine’s Day – stuck doing all the work for people who don’t really care either way. The remedy? Being single with a healthy cynicism.
I love writing lists. They’re everywhere. A couple months ago, I wrote a guy 25 reasons why we should go on a date.
Spoiler alert: it failed miserably. His response? “I might have a few okay qualities, but so do a lot of people.”
Those are the words that ended one of my more legitimate attempts at romance in quite some time. However, his words do bring me to my first reason why you should focus on you this Valentine’s Day:
1). People suck. Think of all the terrible people you are not with this Valentine’s Day – creepy exes, washed-up rappers who interrupt acceptance speeches, Hitler, etc.
2). You’ll only have to pay for one ticket to see “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
3). You won’t run the risk of experiencing that awkward moment when someone buys you an extravagant, well-planned gift and you got them a $20 gift card to a shop they’ve never heard of.
4). You won’t have to share your Slim Jim. There’s no such thing as sharing greasy meat sticks.
5). You can snatch up all the discounted candy in the aftermath of the holiday – ideal for replenishing a secret stash, or just plain old binging.
6). You can safely observe and develop statistics on the influx of breakups in the following days due to the guilt couples felt at the idea of splitting on or near Valentine’s Day.
7). For girls: You won’t have to explain to your old-fashioned mother that you paid for the entire Valentine’s Day outing.
8). For guys: You won’t be pressured by your mom to make some grand gesture of romance you’re not actually into at all.
9). You can go to the university’s speed dating event and act ridiculous – just stare at people, make up an entirely false life story, start screaming, etc. The sky is really the limit there.
10). You can have shenanigans with your other single friends, where the possibilities are also endless – even in Stevens Point.
11). You can go ahead and buy your own chocolate. This way, you can have your preference. You won’t run the risk of receiving an entire box of milk chocolates when you only like dark. That would be a travesty.
12). Always a benefit: you’re not obligated to go anywhere or have any human interaction whatsoever if you don’t want to. Sweatpants and “House of Cards” is always a viable option.
13). You can pride yourself on not being one of those annoying single people who complain about the holiday all day long on social media. You can be the smooth single person who remains calm, cool and collected – who actually makes your non-single friends envious because you’re enjoying yourself so much.
14). You can watch a gory, blood and guts horror movie instead of the obligatory chick-flick or romantic comedy. Who has time for that when there is possession, slashing and poltergeists galore? If you need me, I’ll be launching my horror-themed Valentine’s Day card line.
15). You’re comfortable being alone and even thoroughly enjoy it. When you’ve reached this point in life, you’ve truly got it figured out.
16). You can listen to your roommate/friend and his or her creepy significant other make baby noises, then practice various gagging sounds. There is a multitude to select from.
17). You can fart up a storm. If your relationship is new, there is a good chance you haven’t gotten to that level yet. By being alone, this is of no concern. Nothing says “Happy Valentine’s Day to me” like some quality flatulence.
18). You can create fake profiles on the various dating websites and apps: Tinder, OkCupid, PlentyOfFish, FarmersOnly – whatever your preference may be, and message a variety of contenders saying they are your long-lost twin.
19). You will still get a card from your grandma. Who needs more than that?
20). Flowers die in a couple days anyway, just like the attempted romance they were produced from.
21). You wouldn’t be able to fit a huge teddy bear in your tiny, energy-efficient car.
22). Looking at the bigger picture during college, you won’t have a significant other to tie you down or influence your career path after graduation. That simplifies things.
23). Let’s get real. You didn’t want to put the effort into putting on pants to go on a date anyway.
24). Red and pink are such unflattering colors for some skin types (especially those who are acne-prone), and you would want to be festive if you went out – best to just avoid the situation entirely.
25). You’re awesome. That should be reason enough.
News and Environment Editor