Seeing ‘Grey’ Should Have You Seeing Red

It is appropriate that “50 Shades of Grey” was released on Friday the 13thbecause it is one of the best horror movies I have ever seen.

The film’s protagonist, Anastasia Steele, is the potential murder victim of Christian Grey, a less charming version of Patrick Bateman from “American Psycho.” Christian is a narcissistic sociopath who likes to psychologically enslave and torture innocent young women under the guise of healthy kink. Can our sweet, young heroine escape Grey’s dastardly clutches before it is too late?

What did you just say? This is supposed to be a steamy romance? Really?

Well in that case, “50 Shades of Grey” totally sucked. It is sexual assault, presented to the world as softcore porn for our moms. This movie misrepresents people who are into kinky sex as though they are psychologically broken monsters. It also sends women a horrible message; if the man you are dating abuses you, you need to stick around and fix him.

Photo courtesy of

Photo courtesy of

No. Leave that man. Leave this movie.

Horrible messages aside, I at least admit that I needed a cold shower after watching “50 Shades of Grey,” not because it got me so hot and bothered, but because I needed something to wake me up. This movie is slow and dull, and you endure it the way you endure bad sex; staying still, rolling your eyes and waiting for the lights to come back on.

The stars, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, are the most boring parts. You will find more talent and charisma from the actors in real porn. After the movie, most people in the audience will probably deliver better acting performances while faking orgasms with the partners who dragged them to go see this garbage.

If you are looking for a cheap, dirty thrill you will get what you want, but if you are looking for healthy romance and good storytelling, you will end up getting the shaft. “50 Shades of Grey” earns 3 of your mom’s dead batteries out of 10.

Brady Simenson

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