Obese Squirrel Sues Debot

Obese Squirrel Sues Debot

Phil Squeaker, resident of Schmeecklee Reserve, is suing the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point Debot dining center for jeopardizing his health.

Squeaker, 3, weighs nearly 3 pounds and is claiming the dining center did not properly disclose information on the scraps left about the property.

“No one told me what I was eating,” Squeaker said. “I just assumed the chips must have fallen from a nearby tree and that I was eating healthy.”

His lawyer Al Mond filed the lawsuit Tuesday against Debot and other restaurants near Squeaker’s residence in the reserve.

“The food industry has been wrongfully engorging the squirrel community for decades, and it’s time we pursued legal action,” Mond said.

Debot spokesman Stephen LaPoint said Debot is not responsible for what happens to food once it has left the building.

“Common sense tells you it makes no sense,” said CEO of China Wok in a statement released Wednesday.”China Wok offers quality food with a variety of health options on the menu.” Squirrel(2)

Rococo’s and Perkins are also listed in the lawsuit, but there are no comments regarding the situation.

“It’s an outrage how little humans care about the health of squirrels,” said Lilah A. Corn, concerned mother. “It’s their responsibility to make sure fatty human food stays in the building and doesn’t get into the hands of squirrels.”

Many squirrels feed their young acorns, berries, and flowers in the reserve, but there is a growing trend in fast food. Many parents are worried about kitten obesity in the future, Corn said.

First Squirrel Nutshell Obrama said the lawsuit holds weight and the Nuthouse is behind the initiative one hundred percent.

Ryan Kernosky, Student Government Association legislative affairs director, will be holding a public forum for humans and squirrels on April 1st to discuss the issue. He said the university wants to avoid future lawsuits and maintain a good relationship with the squirrels.

 

Nicolette Mice

Pointless Contributor

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