Sydney Whiteduck vs. Leah Dreyfus for SGA President
Photo courtesy of uwsp.edu

Sydney Whiteduck vs. Leah Dreyfus for SGA President

Student government elections are underway, and there are currently two candidates everyone is talking about. Dining services employee Leah Dreyfus and junior Sydney Whiteduck are currently the most popular choices among students.

“I decided to run for SGA president because I’m sick of serving cheese curds, french fries, cheeseburgers and other fried pantry remnants to plaid-wearing, prepubescent boys,” Dreyfus said.

Dreyfus’ family has been involved with the university for 41 years, so despite her incredible lack of personal appeal with students, she was not willing to completely write off the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point.

“I cannot toss aside my family’s legendary role on this campus due to a lack of respect,” Dreyfus said. “That’s why I’ve decided to leave my job at dining services and pursue a higher calling.”

Dreyfus is currently 55 years old, but due to her enrollment in an online culinary course, she is technically a student.

“I would like to adjust all of our dining options on campus so that they follow strictly vegan recipes,” Dreyfus said. “Most of the meals will be pre-made and packaged, so we will only need half of the current dining services staff.”

Lissy Albertson, senior, supports Dreyfus and explains why she thinks food production on campus is more important than academics.

“If you eat like, a ton of garbage before class, you’ll probably, like, wind up falling asleep or puking in class,” Albertson said. “It’s not like I’m speaking from experience, though.”

Truly insightful.

Whiteduck believes in an alternative way of handling the cutbacks.

“I think we just need to get rid of two-thirds of the SGA staff,” Whiteduck said. “I mean, what exactly do all of them do day in and day out?”

Whiteduck would like to relocate the salary funds to another form of education.

“I would like to build a small greenhouse on campus in which we will be harvesting palm trees for very valuable palm oil,” Whiteduck said. “Not only will the palm oil production bring mass profit to the university, but the soil and trees will be open for classroom study.”

Whiteduck is a land use planning major and has educated herself fully on the effects that palm trees have on soil and the mass production impacts they have on the community.

“I’m fully confident that the student body and university will be happy with the incredible impacts that palm trees will have on our land and revenue,” Whiteduck said.

Peter Takeyacookies, senior, says his vote is for Whiteduck.

“Dazzling is the only word to describe how I feel right now,” Takeyacookies said. “Harvesting palm trees sounds absolutely brilliant, and I’ll be there to support Whiteduck 100 percent.”

Voting will take place in Schmeeckle March 30 at 10 p.m. Bring flashlights.

 

SGA Stickelmaier

Pointless Reporter

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