Your Facebook newsfeed is consistently blowing up with videos of small children doing cute things. The irresistible impulse washes over you to create new life. You think about stealing other people’s children or even “eating them right up.” You have become a monster.
Luckily, we can help you out. Here are a few tips to resist the urge to have unprotected sex and therefore bringing new life into this world.
Find a lovely couple who owns the offspring you thought about stealing and ask to babysit their children for at least three days… for free. Babies don’t pay you to take care of them. You will be changing diapers, trying to understand why the little munchkin is crying and regularly getting puked on, and you’re not even getting paid.
2. Watch a birthing video.
A woman’s cervix dilates to the size of a doughnut during childbirth. However, a baby isn’t the size of a doughnut, more like a small watermelon. The whole process is reminiscent of the childhood pursuit to fit the square peg through the circle hole.
3. Google the cost of a baby.
Babies cost $10,000 in the first year. Yes, little tiny shoes and onesies are cute, but stop for a second and think about what you could do with $10,000. Pay for school, go on vacation with 15 of your closest friends or throw a crazy party with a bounce house. Now multiply that by 18 years. Children break the bank.
4. Take a bath in hot sauce.
In the words of Coach Carr from “Mean Girls,” “You will get chlamydia… and die.” Having unprotected sex not only leads to the possibility of a child, but also other nasty infections that can cause burning sensations in the genital region. It will feel like you just stepped into a bathtub filled with Tabasco. More than two-thirds of all STDs occur in people younger than 25. Maybe the gym teacher in “Mean Girls” isn’t wrong.
5. Babysit your drunk friends.
If babysitting an actual child was alright, test yourself. Go out with a group of your rowdiest friends, but remain sober. Take care of those friends while they are barfing, defecating, falling down, unable to communicate and falling asleep in weird places. Welcome to parenthood.
The Condom Fairy