UWSP’s Most Eligible Bachelor: Ryan Kernosky

Ryan Kernosky, student government extraordinaire and The Pointer’s own personal expert travel agent, is being recognized as the university’s premier specimen of a male partner.

University Relations and Communications released a statement recently announcing his rise to stardom on the next season of “The Bachelor.” The female population on campus immediately donned their most charming ensembles and headed toward the SGA office, twirling their hair and smacking their gum.

Kernosky, four-time curling world champion, cites his ankles as his most alluring attribute.

“My ankles have always been weak, but with years of tripping, stumbling, falling and hardcore curling, they have reached a new level of wobbliness,” he said. “The girls just can’t get enough of it. They’re all over me.”

With the onslaught of female popularity throughout campus and the city, SGA recently had to put all its reserves toward an enhanced security system just so Kernosky can safely enter and exit the office.

“The girls were literally clawing at the door and breaking windows,” said SGA President Christina Splatterly. “That’s when we knew something had to be done.”

SGA invested in a state-of-the-art deadbolt system, installed metal bars and a multi-million dollar force field just to ensure Kernosky’s comfort and ease in his work environment. Seventeen watchdogs were also put to use for his protection.

When asked what other qualities make him so irresistible, Kernosky ran his fingers through his luscious, full, thick head of hair and referenced a very important quality anyone would look for in a romantic partner: the ability to properly book flights in a timely, efficient and sexy manner.

“I really take pride in the way I book flights,” Kernosky said. “I like to go about it in a creative way so that the surprises are virtually endless.”

Kernosky once booked a flight for a Wisconsin resident out of upstate New York to Arizona.

“That’s the kind of spice and adventure I need in a relationship,” said a die-hard Kernoskian, as they call themselves. “Why do things the simple way when you can have an overcomplicated endless rollercoaster of experiences?”

Even faculty have voiced their admiration for the weak-ankled Kernosky’s travel expertise.

“Heck, I would love to go on a trip with Ryan,” said Professor Steve Hill. “Probably somewhere tropical.”

Kernosky said even with all this attention, he is taking it slow.

In order to help with the process in a collaborative effort, the Division of Communication is planning a course in order to design a Tinder-esque matchmaking app for Kernosky and his following.

“He may be going on the show, but we as a department and a university want him to have other options as well,” Hill said. “The app  would likely feature a scale for the strength of ankle and logic of travel planning as its main compatibility factors.”

Through all the fame and glory, Kernosky’s wishes remain simple.

“I just want to find someone with equally weak ankles, hair that can compete with mine and a nose for travel deals,” Kernosky said. “Whether that is on the show or here in my own backyard, only time will tell.”

 

YourKayla Hillfart

Pointless Editor