“50 Shades of Grey” swept the globe with its exemplary ideals of healthy relationships and sex lives. Women across the world have taken notice and have begun applying its dating how-to’s to their own lives.
Local Amelia Bomcamp has taken an enthusiastic approach to real-life applications of the book and motion picture.
“After I saw the movie, I immediately dumped my boyfriend,” Bomcamp said. “He just respected me too much and wasn’t nearly as obsessive as I now prefer after reading the book.”
Several women have come forward and explained their new-found desires to be dominated, inside the bedroom and out. Ashley Page, local church-goer, is an excellent example of how Christian Grey’s violently, hyper-masculine demeanor is enough to make even the most religious women weak in the loins.
“Ever since seeing the movie in theaters, I’ve been praying to God for my very own Christian Grey,” Page said. “After all, his first name is Christian, so I’m sure God will overlook his misogynism.”
Page was not alone in her hopes of finding an abusive relationship of her very own. Stevens Point spinster Emily Cranston has begun socializing for the first time in months in order to snag an overly dominant man.
“I wrote ‘submissive and sad’ on my forehead to attract any man who looks unstable enough to dominate every aspect of my life,” Cranston said. “That’s healthy, I think.”
“50 Shades of Grey” has caused women to literally grovel at men’s feet. Mobs of women here in Wisconsin have been seen bowing before the masculine prowess of any man willing to demean them.
Cranston was seen fainting when Ryan Kernosky, University of Wisconsin- Stevens Point student and bachelor, glanced at her on the street. When asked what caused this, her response was far from surprising.
“This is what women want,” Cranston said, still woozy. “We want to be controlled by male hands. This is what Susan B. Anthony fought for years ago.”
Mathias Hawthorn, men’s rights activist and self-proclaimed chauvinist, voiced his approval of recent developments within society caused by the books and the movie.
“Finally, women doing what I want for a change,” Hawthorn said. “Hundreds of years of male domination just aren’t enough. I, for one, am happy to return to the traditional values of normalized abusive relationship standards.”
Whether or not the effects of these books, and the motion picture based on them, will be long-lasting is yet to be seen but the strength of the current effects are undeniable.
Contrary to the beliefs of an overwhelming amount of women, local feminist Marcia Smith spoke out against “50 Shades of Grey” with a word of advice to the women who are affected by it.
“Please stop,” Smith said. “Please. Burn your copies of the books and move on with your lives, as human beings and not sexual objects of male pleasure. You are better than this.”