“Gods of Egypt” got me thinking about hieroglyphics.
Much of what we know about Egyptian society is based on stone drawings of important historical and cultural events. What most people don’t think about is that for every person who was scrawling on a wall about politics and economics at that time, there was also someone sniffing glue and scribbling pictures of penises and explosions.
We just don’t focus on that nonsense.
If a future society were to look back on us and make judgements based on our pictures, one can only hope that they don’t focus on movies like “Gods of Egypt,” our equivalent of hopped-up penis and explosion scribbles.
“Gods of Egypt” is probably the most unpleasant stretch of time I have ever had while sitting in a chair and I’ve had multiple dental surgeries.
During the movie, I left twice to go to the bathroom even though I didn’t actually have to. I forced it just to give myself sweet respite from the onscreen torture.
This movie makes the “Clash of the Titans” remake look like “Lawrence of Arabia.” It is an overlong cavalcade of nonsensical garbage soaked in the golden vomit of set designers and visual effects artists praying to cover the story’s numerous flaws under a shiny veneer.
Anyone who enjoys this bright, glittery imagery enough to miss how terrible everything else is can count themselves on the same level as cats who have an amazing time chasing laser pointers.
The plot is stupid, the actors are obnoxious, and watching the action sequences is like taking acid and staring at a video game trailer on loop.
As unpleasant as “Gods of Egypt” is, when simply considering its failings as a film, it gets even worse when you consider its failings in the realm of human decency.
This story is set in the heart of Africa, but its cast is predominantly white. What’s worse is that the white actors, Gerard Butler almost hilariously so, have been covered in a ridiculous bronze tan as if that will trick people into missing how whitewashed this world is.
There are no more excuses to be made for this kind of prejudice. There never were. People like to rationalize it by claiming that big budget movies need to have big name talent to secure funding and that all of the big names just happen to be white people.
This argument falls to pieces with a movie like “Gods of Egypt” when the most recognizable protagonist is a random guy from “Game of Thrones” who is most famous for pretending to bang his fictional sister. If you think that kind of casting beats hiring up-and-coming actors of color, then you are just as clueless as Hollywood.
“Gods of Egypt” epitomizes what is wrong with the industry on multiple levels. It is a soulless monstrosity even uglier than the computer-generated titans it depicts. It scores 0 “chances Gerard Butler has of recovering from this” out of 10.