Facing More Budget Issues, all UWSP Courses Become Online-Only
Photo courtesy of Lily Dettle

Facing More Budget Issues, all UWSP Courses Become Online-Only

The University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point is about to solve its budget issues once and for all.

As part of a sweeping new initiative co-authored by Chancellor Bernie Patterson and Governor Scott Walker, all UWSP classes will be going online-only in the fall semester. The university and the state of Wisconsin are set to save millions of dollars with this one move that the Pointer is by no means obligated to refer to as the single greatest idea in the history of the world.

When asked for comment, Walker turned down the one-of-a-kind Wu-Tang Clan album he had purchased from Martin Shkreli, and said, “This is not an attack on education. This is a streamlining of education. We’ve taken all of the extraneous nonsense, stuff like professional educators and learning to empathize with other human beings, and have whittled all of that down to the bare minimum.”

On this note, there are expected to be mass faculty layoffs. All professors with degrees will now be replaced by bitter college dropouts, as per Walker’s recommendation.

Many classes will no longer require instructors at all, but will instead consist of students being emailed links to different TED talks every day. The most controversial class without an instructor will surely be the new human sexuality course that provides students with paid subscriptions to PornHub instead of a D2L page.

Walker, while munching crushed diamonds like they were popcorn, said, “A barebones approach to college education is really the best way to go. I mean, look at me, I only stayed in college for a few semesters and look how good I turned out.”

This move is also being heralded by the governor for its environmental benefits, an issue he claims to have formed a lifelong passion for last month.

UWSP has long sought to be a green campus, and according to Walker, how much more green can a campus be than to not exist at all?

“Non-existent college campuses are my true desired endgame,” Walker said as he drove his personalized Batmobile through the life-sized replica of Gotham City that he had installed in his mansion’s basement last week. “That will provide me with the kind of environment I’m looking for.”

When asked why the university was so quick to side with Walker’s plans, Chancellor Bernie Patterson said, “We’ve always had people complaining about parking, so we’re glad to have an excuse to demolish all of the buildings and replace them with parking lots. It’s going to be a hilarious and ironic way to stick it to all of those whiners.”

Brady Simenson
Managing Editor
bsime172@uwsp.edu

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