As part of a desperate effort to resuscitate a quickly depleting budget, the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point is implementing a plan to enforce metered bicycle parking.
The idea was put forth after the release of the most recent budget proposal from Wisconsin’s supreme dictator for life, and alleged spawn of Satan, Wott Scalker.
The new budget would take away all funding to Wisconsin universities that offer education paths which do not directly reinforce the War Machine.
The budget is expected to be passed without any resistance from anybody at all and will likely leave UWSP with little or no state funding. Additionally, the supreme dictator for life has decided not to announce how much each UW school will receive until after students are registered.
“School is like, so lame. Go Bucks! Am I right? I’m so right,” Scalker said.
UWSP Chancellor James Patrick James explained how paid bicycle parking would help the situation.
James said, “Since we cannot be sure of what our income for the next semester will be, and we consequently have no way of confidently creating a balanced budget, we have decided that paid bicycle parking should be enough to make up our missing income.”
However, there are some concerns regarding how many people will actually bike to school once they have to pay to park their bicycles.
“I’ve heard they might charge as much as $0.75 an hour for parking, and I’m on campus for almost two hours a day sometimes. How would I afford that kind of a fee? I’d have to get a job!” said Sarah Lawrence, an undeclared junior at UWSP.
In response to these concerns, James said, “If I build it, they will come.”
Despite this being an issue isolated to the university, the mayor of Stevens Point, Mitch Weezer has agreed to push a public declaration through city council. This declaration would have no purpose or legal consequence, but would state the city of Stevens Point’s official perspective.
“I’m really just trying to convince myself that I’m a good person. If that means getting the city to meaninglessly support coercing people into a popular consensus by a means of financial penalty, then so be it,” Weezer said.
The metered bicycle parking lot will be enforced starting next semester and will be inconveniently located on the big unused concrete lot where Schmeekle Reserve was once located.
Fake News Reporter
*This article was featured in the April Fools 2017 edition of The Pointer and is completely satirical with the creative license at the discretion of the writer.