The University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point has elected to discontinue all Wi-Fi services on campus in light of recent budget cuts and the university’s newly instated 2017 Watt Conservation Act.
The change will take effect April 1.
While Wi-Fi is a significant consumer of campus power resources, it was not the only campus amenity that faced discrimination in this year’s cutbacks.
Emmett Brown, professor of time travel, explained that his department has come under strict scrutiny from those in support of the conservation effort.
The Department of Time Travel currently uses power at a rate of 1.21 gigawatts to facilitate student field experience.
“Power has nothing to do with it,” Brown said. “It’s really about the experience we’re giving to the students in this field of study, not the wattage. We couldn’t do what we do without our power allocation.”
Marty McFly, senior time travel major, supports the decision to eliminate Wi-Fi in lieu of cutting back the resources allocated to the Department of Time Travel.
“I think it’s a better choice because cutting Wi-Fi affects all students equally,” McFly said. “If they cut back our program, it would only be the time travel students who would suffer.”
The decision to discontinue UWSP’s Wi-Fi network, which had previously provided free access to students, came after a campus-wide vote. The movement passed, 9665-2.
“I’m excited for the change,” Nyrhtak Iksweinsiw, sophomore English major, said. “I think students rely too heavily on the internet. Cutting off the Wi-Fi will make us better researchers and better students.”
The 2017 Watt Conservation Act has been sponsored by Withholding Internet Foundation International, which supports projects worldwide to reduce Wi-Fi related power use and to plant more trees. The foundation will be donating one maple tree to Wisconsin forests for every Wi-Fi router deactivated on campus.
“This initiative will have a huge impact on the environment,” McFly said.
As part of his senior capstone project, McFly researched the effects of the 2017 Watt Conservation Act.
“When I went to 2070 for my research, no one was using Wi-Fi anymore,” McFly said. “This is the way of the future.”
To accommodate the anticipated demands for print resources, the campus library will be extending its hours. While the library is currently open 70 hours a week, the new hours will be 7 a.m to midnight, seven days a week.
While the majority of the student body is in support of eliminating Wi-Fi on campus, a new student-run support group will be holding weekly meetings for anyone struggling with the transition.
Students for Wi-Fi Cessation will meet Tuesdays at 7:30 p.m. in Room 3141 of Albertson Hall beginning on April 1.
*This article was featured in the April Fools 2017 edition of The Pointer and is completely satirical with the creative license at the discretion of the writer.