The College of Natural Resources Engages in Civil War
Differing views in the TNR building leads to dispute. Photo courtesy of the guy who forgot about his take–home midterm.

The College of Natural Resources Engages in Civil War

The College of Natural Resources rang with whoops and shrieks last Tuesday as fractions of students at war chased each other down the halls.

The hullabaloo began with a confrontation between Autumn Leaf, herbal tea and aromatherapy major, and Gunner Grove, hunting and venison arts major. The skirmish was instigated over lunch when Grove commented on Leaf’s carrots and garlic hummus.

Grove allegedly said that Leaf was threatening the rabbit population he hunts by eating their food.

As the proprietor of a pet rabbit, Leaf was hurt by the comment and hurled the remainder of her carrots at Grove, who responded by pummeling her with Doritos. Within moments the college of natural resources was plunged into pandemonium, as students found an outlet for pent up frustration and midterm stress.

Iris Serenity, tree wellness major, said, “Honestly, I had no idea what was going on, but it was a good excuse to whip orange peels at anyone wearing camo. It was like a giant game of team tie dye versus team camo, it was gnarly dude.”

Hunter Clark, archery and bear wrestling major, expressed similar sentiments.

Clark said, “It’s the first time I’ve come to class for a while but I decided to show up since it’s not a hunting season right now, and I am sure glad I did. I haven’t had that much fun since hog wrestling in high school.”

Carrot Missiles puts tree professor in the hospital with minor injuries. Photo by professors wife

Carrot Missiles puts tree professor in the hospital with minor injuries. Photo by professors wife

The turmoil was resolved with minor injuries from carrot missiles.

Hazel Sage, plant sociology major, felt a shift in morale in the building after the scuffle.

Sage said, “Everyone was just so honest and in the open. Like there was such a sense of connection and unity, we all expressed ourselves and in the end, we are truly brothers and sisters, I mean the vibes in the college are just amazing right now.”

 

Petunia Shirley
Reporter
pshir111@uwsp.edu

 

*This article was featured in the April Fools 2017 edition of The Pointer and is completely satirical with the creative license at the discretion of the writer.

About Naomi Albert

Naomi Albert
I am a sophomore Natural Resource Planning major with minors in Spanish and Sustainable Energy. I enjoy the outdoors and traveling.

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