Tree Psychologists: The Loraxes of Today
Jim Booney, tree psychology major, sharing a laugh with a friend. Photo by Mason Maple

Tree Psychologists: The Loraxes of Today

Interdisciplinary majors will be offered by the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point beginning in the fall of 2017.

Interdisciplinary majors are a new concept developed by the university in response to the increased demand for interdisciplinary studies.

The bachelor’s of science in tree psychology will be at the forefront of this cutting-edge new curriculum. The major is a cross between Stevens Point’s top notch psychology and forestry departments.

Rachel Carson, chancellor and cornerstone of the environmental movement, said this major plays a pivotal role in the university’s development.

“This is exactly what we need to stand out. Anyone can offer majors in English or biology, but to push that boundary and create something that is totally unique, that’s where the real value of a university comes in,” Carson said.

Tree-psychology courses will be split between the already existing psychology and forestry departments. The bridge between the disciplines will be Sigmund Freud, tarot card reader and self-proclaimed tree medium.

Freud, who never graduated high school, will receive an honorary Ph.D. and begin teaching in the fall. Before becoming a professor, Freud worked in Hot Topic and said he never dreamed of becoming an academic.

Freud’s resume includes co-founder of the tree-civil rights movement in the early 2000s with several of his high school classmates.  Freud said the movement struggled to get off the ground in part because over half of its members only wanted to drink beer and chain themselves to trees.

“I can relate better to students because I know what it means to feel so strongly about an issue that you put yourself in harm’s way–the tree psych major is about harnessing that rage and transforming it into something productive,” Freud said.

Tree psychology majors will work in-field with other forestry majors, but rather than treating the trees for physical maladies such as the emerald ash borer, they will focus on the emotional damage done to the trees.

Psychological disorders facing the trees are vast and have yet to be officially named, Freud said but the root causes of these disorders include deforestation, palm oil production and wood chippers.

Al Gore, politician, environmentalist and one of the first to enroll in the major, said, “I am so excited about this major, it will revolutionize the way that we approach trees, issues of deforestation and potentially the entire environmental movement.”

Gore said he was enthused about the unique position of tree psychologists to not only communicate with and understand trees but to transfer that knowledge to others who do not have that understanding.

“Tree psychology majors will be put in the unique position of being able to speak for the trees… They really are the loraxes of our time” Gore said.

 

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*This article was featured in the April Fools 2017 edition of The Pointer and is completely satirical with the creative license at the discretion of the writer.

About Olivia De Valk

Olivia De Valk
Senior English major. Pretty much only watches bad movies. Mediocre runner. Probably really hydrated.

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