After a long-fought battle for equality, social justice activists have decided to throw in the towel.
The constant pressure from strangers on social media has successfully stifled the voices of those who do not look like they would appear in a Hitler wet dream.
Marvin Luther-King, freshman sociology major, said, “After being called a ‘triggered snowflake’ on Facebook, my mind was changed. I’m so grateful for all those working to constantly insult my culture. It really opened my mind and made me question why social justice is even a thing.”
Alternative science has proven that when someone is insulted on social media, they are more likely to switch their views and agree with the aggressor. With this approach soon all the feminists, LGBTQ+, Black Lives Matter, Native Lives Matter, and environmental movements will dismantle.
The streets will no longer be full of protests from these groups as they have been eroded into agreeance with the not-so-silent audience of Fox News.
Becky Ooru, freshman media studies major, said, “It’s a breath of fresh air for me now that I don’t have to worry about degrading cultures, sexual orientations and genders different than my own.”
Why did these groups ever waste their time with empathy and basic human rights when others were living in comfortable ignorance of the hardships being suffered?
The nonexistence of all social justice and environmental movements will allow for all sorts of freedoms to continue in the United States, and worldwide.
The billionaire class can sleep easily at night knowing that their gold-encrusted shower curtains will not be taken away by the inconvenience of giving the 99 percent a living wage or giving women equal pay.
Our highly-trained law enforcement will not have to worry about being persecuted for shooting civilians who are heavily armed with wallets.
The marriages of heterosexual couples will no longer be torn apart by the marriages of homosexuals.
Bathrooms will be safe from transgender perverts. Thankfully, actual perverts can comfortably assault people, without the associated risk of jeopardizing their future careers with pesky rape charges.
Trevor Hebecktotskye, sophomore Russian studies major said, “It was exhausting trying to stop myself from grabbing women by their genitalia on my way to class every day.”
With this lack of diversity, the United States will be back on track to becoming a culture that is as monotonous as a golf tournament.
“Why were we even fighting for social justice in the first place? It’s not like people are dying or anything. I’m so glad we can accommodate the status quo and make like 5 percent of this country comfortable,” said Luther.
*This article was featured in the April Fools 2017 edition of The Pointer and is completely satirical with the creative license at the discretion of the writer.