Aquarius, Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Since it’s no longer your birthday time, put your big boy pants on and get back to work. You may not have had a great V-Day, but neither did anyone else who’s single.
Pisces, Feb. 20 – Mar. 20
A vague statement about your love life is the best you’re going to get.
Aries, Mar. 21 – Apr. 19
With Jupiter in retrograde, now is the time to apply for a screw-around job at Debot for some extra cash and to get your reclusive butt out of the house. Work off that birthday cake you ate all of.
Taurus, Apr. 20 – May 20
Since Jupiter is throwing hands with Uranus, be aware of the same Holiday-time suffering that came up in November and December.
Gemini, May 21 – Jun. 20
Men could be powerful in your life this month. This could be good or bad. Watch out. Also maybe this could be great. Who knows?
Cancer, Jun. 21 – Jul. 22
The stars are telling you to travel. Go see some cool new places. If you can’t afford that, try binge-watching some travel channel.
Leo, Jul. 23 – Aug. 22
Since you’re so busy being introspective and self-healing and all that jazz, you may miss out on some love opportunities. If that’s the case, just stay in and take care of it yourself.
Virgo, Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
You are in the midst of crazy love-life stuff. The stars have no advice. Good luck with that.
Libra, Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
You are motivated to clean your house this month, but maybe you should clean out your locker in the NFAC. It’s starting to smell.
Scorpio, Oct. 23 – Nov. 22
You could get ahead on schoolwork this month, but you won’t because Netflix is calling your name.
Sagittarius, Nov. 23 – Dec. 21
Everything will go right for you this month. I mean everything. It’s going to be great! Get ready for the let-down when this wave of good luck subsides!
Capricorn, Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You have a creative idea you want to pitch to someone this month and are feeling confident about it. Don’t.
*This article was featured in the April Fools 2017 edition of The Pointer and is completely satirical with the creative license at the discretion of the writer.