April Fools Horoscopes

Aquarius, Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Since it’s no longer your birthday time, put your big boy pants on and get back to work. You may not have had a great V-Day, but neither did anyone else who’s single.

Pisces, Feb. 20 – Mar. 20

A vague statement about your love life is the best you’re going to get.

Aries, Mar. 21 – Apr. 19

With Jupiter in retrograde, now is the time to apply for a screw-around job at Debot for some extra cash and to get your reclusive butt out of the house. Work off that birthday cake you ate all of.

Taurus, Apr. 20 – May 20

Since Jupiter is throwing hands with Uranus, be aware of the same Holiday-time suffering that came up in November and December.

Gemini, May 21 – Jun. 20

Men could be powerful in your life this month. This could be good or bad. Watch out. Also maybe this could be great. Who knows?

Cancer, Jun. 21 – Jul. 22

The stars are telling you to travel. Go see some cool new places. If you can’t afford that, try binge-watching some travel channel.

Leo, Jul. 23 – Aug. 22

Since you’re so busy being introspective and self-healing and all that jazz, you may miss out on some love opportunities. If that’s the case, just stay in and take care of it yourself.

Virgo, Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You are in the midst of crazy love-life stuff. The stars have no advice. Good luck with that.

Libra, Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

You are motivated to clean your house this month, but maybe you should clean out your locker in the NFAC. It’s starting to smell.

Scorpio, Oct. 23 – Nov. 22

You could get ahead on schoolwork this month, but you won’t because Netflix is calling your name.

Sagittarius, Nov. 23 – Dec. 21

Everything will go right for you this month. I mean everything. It’s going to be great! Get ready for the let-down when this wave of good luck subsides!

Capricorn, Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

You have a creative idea you want to pitch to someone this month and are feeling confident about it. Don’t.


*This article was featured in the April Fools 2017 edition of The Pointer and is completely satirical with the creative license at the discretion of the writer.

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