April Fools Horoscopes

Aquarius, Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 Since it’s no longer your birthday time, put your big boy pants on and get back to work. You may not have had a great V-Day, but neither did anyone else who’s single. Pisces, Feb. 20 – Mar. 20 A vague statement about your love life is the best you’re going to get. Aries, ... Read More »

Beetle Invasion Music Hits Campus

History met contemporary excitement on Apr. 1 when The Beetles performed their milestone zillionth live show for students, staff and community members. The legendary band from Kidneypond, United Kingdom has been touring the world since 1962 when they began the musical genre known as Beetle Invasion. The genre has influenced bands such as The Lawmen, The Fabric Overland and The ... Read More »

No More Mr. Wi-Fi

The University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point has elected to discontinue all Wi-Fi services on campus in light of recent budget cuts and the university’s newly instated 2017 Watt Conservation Act. The change will take effect April 1. While Wi-Fi is a significant consumer of campus power resources, it was not the only campus amenity that faced discrimination in this year’s cutbacks. ... Read More »

The College of Natural Resources Engages in Civil War

The College of Natural Resources rang with whoops and shrieks last Tuesday as fractions of students at war chased each other down the halls. The hullabaloo began with a confrontation between Autumn Leaf, herbal tea and aromatherapy major, and Gunner Grove, hunting and venison arts major. The skirmish was instigated over lunch when Grove commented on Leaf’s carrots and garlic ... Read More »

Metered Bicycle Parking to Replace State Funding

As part of a desperate effort to resuscitate a quickly depleting budget, the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point is implementing a plan to enforce metered bicycle parking. The idea was put forth after the release of the most recent budget proposal from Wisconsin’s supreme dictator for life, and alleged spawn of Satan, Wott Scalker. The new budget would take away all ... Read More »

Album Review – Kidz Bop

The Kidz Bop Kids have done it again. They recently released “Kidz Bop 34” in January of this year. The very first “Kidz Bop” album dropped in 2001. Sixteen years later and they are still producing top notch, highly sexualized and adult themed music. The very first album featured popular chart topping hits from the 90’s and whatever was released ... Read More »

Tree Psychologists: The Loraxes of Today

Interdisciplinary majors will be offered by the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point beginning in the fall of 2017. Interdisciplinary majors are a new concept developed by the university in response to the increased demand for interdisciplinary studies. The bachelor’s of science in tree psychology will be at the forefront of this cutting-edge new curriculum. The major is a cross between Stevens ... Read More »

Triggered Snowflakes Finally Give Up

After a long-fought battle for equality, social justice activists have decided to throw in the towel. The constant pressure from strangers on social media has successfully stifled the voices of those who do not look like they would appear in a Hitler wet dream. Marvin Luther-King, freshman sociology major, said, “After being called a ‘triggered snowflake’ on Facebook, my mind ... Read More »

Hillary Clinton Makes Last-Ditch Effort for Presidency

Hillary Clinton, former First Lady, Secretary of State and Democratic Presidential nominee, just announced her intentions to run for president of the Student Government Association. SGA at the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point is holding elections next week for a new president and vice president, but Clinton has not strapped down a VP running-mate yet. “She asked me to run with ... Read More »

Student Undecided on Swipe or Dawg Dollars for $3.66 Purchase

On Friday, March 24 around 10:45 p.m., freshman undeclared major Jason Jaysin was reported contemplating using a meal swipe or dawg dollars on a purchase of $3.66 at Lower Debot. With only fifteen minutes to closing, Lower Debot was quite busy. Jaysin was about second in line when he decided to do some mental math about what he was going ... Read More »