May Roach Celebrates Two Weeks Sh*t-Free!
[Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Pointer’s annual satirical April Fools’ edition, the Pointless. Pointless stories should not be taken seriously on April Fool’s Day or any other.]
This week marks the two-week anniversary of no fecal matter found in the University of Wisconsin-Stevens Point’s May Roach dormitory showers. This comes after a long bout of soapy surprises made by shower squatters found lingering in bathroom drains.
This problem originally started back in week one of the spring semester. May Roach janitor Jeramey Johnson is traumatized from the amount of fecal matter he has found. “I’m just so shocked at the amount these little shi*s are shi**ing,” he said.
“Our uniforms will never smell the same. In those trenches, we had to fight, and in this fight our battle was crappy,” Johnson said, echoing his concern for the safety of his coworkers.
The issue was brought up to the May Roach hall director, who sent out a number of emails warning students about what might happen if these shower squatters wouldn’t come forward.
Signs were put up in bathrooms with a step-by-step guide on how to take a proper shower. Bathroom stalls proudly displayed “Poop Here” and shower walls ominously declared, “Do Not Poop Here” – with illustrations for those who might still be confused.
When the shower squatters did not stop, a licensed therapist set up shop in each bathroom to help talk students through their struggles and encourage them to use the toilet.
Licensed therapist Shannon Shelly wants the message to be heard that these shower squatters need real help.
“Pooping in the shower may seem funny, but really it’s a cry for help,” Shannon said. “Maybe these so-called shower squatters were never told ‘good job’ after they pooped in the toilet. Maybe seeing their poop wash down the drain is hard for them, as they see a piece of themselves leaving.”
Shannon has made some real progress with these Roach students, hosting support groups for those who are grieving the loss of their bowel movements and giving out little round chips to those who reach milestones.
Now the hall staff of May Roach is planning a celebration for this milestone, with a party and games night hosted in the basement of May Roach. Games like “Pin the Poop on the Toilet,” “Poo-opoly,” and “Chutes and Poo” are on the agenda.
Hopes are high for the students of May Roach to achieve their goals of not dispersing fecal matter in the showers. “I believe in the impossible redemption of May Roach,” Shelly said.
Gwen Pabich
News Reporter
