Gnome Colony Discovered in Schmeeckle Reserve
[Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Pointer’s annual satirical April Fools’ edition, the Pointless. Pointless stories should not be taken seriously on April Fool’s Day or any other.]
Natural Science majors have discovered a colony of gnomes living in Schmeekle reserve. After intense negotiations, the Pointer was able to score an interview with the chief ambassador of foreign relations of the gnome colony, Fredrich Schoenenhauser.
“I’m surprised you hadn’t found us earlier” said Schoenenhauser. “We gnomes have been living in Stevens Point for over 15 years. We’ve even sent expeditions downtown and elsewhere.”
“We first came to Stevens Point after our land in Madison was encroached upon by a colony of anteaters.” said Schoenenhauser. “We had to start from scratch, all of it. Our settlements were pillaged and rampaged, our books were burned. Many a fellow ant died in the pilgrimage of 2009.”
Schoenenhauser made many unsavory remarks about anteaters that we will not be including in this article. Needless to say, tensions are high even 15 years after the events of 2009, though Schoenenhauser did share that there were gnome-anteater alliance groups gaining traction in the underground publications of the forest.
“I think what we’ve built up here in Schmeekle is admirable” Schoenenhauser said. “Our folk strive for the good of all our peoples, our labor is enjoyable and brings bountiful fruit.”
When asked what gnomes tend to think of humans, Schoenenhauser had this to say. “They’re a bit dull. Not privy to the wonders of the world, lacking in fellowship with one another.” The Pointer does not endorse this harsh critique of humankind.
We also reached out to Frankie Flamingo, one of the leading anthropologists who has been analyzing the gnome colony since its discovery, for comments on the nature of their civilization.
“They’re very different,” said Flamingo. “They don’t seem to care much for technology. They frequently spend whole days reading in hammocks, smoking from comically long pipes, only stopping to have meals and rest.”
Flamingo also highlighted the differences between their societal structures and our own. “They don’t seem to have any significant hierarchies of power. The dispersion of authority amongst gnomes seems quite like a meritocracy. There’s a strong negative sentiment amongst the population against the feudal structure of anteater society.”
The Pointer sent an invitation to the anteaters by way of a fanciful note carried by a dove, but they declined to comment.
If you’d like to take a tour with the Gnome Cultural Outreach Program (GCOP), you can reach out to them at [email protected]
Andrew Knoff
News Reporter
