Mysterious Tunnels Discovered in Basement of Science Building
The Pointer Photo/Jack Orlando
[Editor’s Note: The Pointless is the Pointer’s annual satirical article. Pointless stories should not be taken seriously on April Fool’s Day or any other.]
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UWSP’s science building has often been described by students as confusing and maze-like. It is easy to get lost in its web of rooms, wings and hallways. There are many staircases that lead to all different floors, often confusing and frustrating students.
For one student, a typical trek to class turned into a life-changing discovery on Monday.
“I accidentally went down the wrong staircase on my way to the electronics lab,” said student Silas Gilding. “I opened the door to what I thought was the right room and tumbled into a strange tunnel.”
That tunnel turned out to be a part of a system that is over 865 miles long.
The student immediately alerted university officials, who evacuated the building and began an investigation.
Investigators have followed the tunnels as far west as Mount Rushmore in South Dakota and as far east as Sheboygan.
Unfortunately, the system has no connection to any residence halls on campus. Students in the North DeBot quad will continue to freeze on their walk back to their dormitories.
Additionally, the discovery has uncovered the reason for the large amount of power outages on campus in January.
“The power was interrupted because student Joe Cointers found underground power lines and cut several of them,” said Chancellor Gibson.
The student was docked 1 point from a 1,000 point assigned speech for mispronouncing “DeBot.” Cutting the power lines was his revenge.
“I was just angry,” said Cointers. “Why is it said like that?!”
The university is also considering opening this new system of tunnels to the public.
“This is a great tourist attraction,” said Chancellor Gibson. “We would love to share this long-lost historical site with the world.”
If opened to the public, guests would have the chance to take a tour ranging anywhere in length from 3 hours to 3 days. Costs are projected to begin as low as $20,000 per person. Each tourist would be required to sign a contract agreeing not to sue the university if they are to get lost and never return.
The investigation into these long-lost tunnels is ongoing. The Pointer newspaper will provide updates as they become available.
However, one thing is for certain: Silas Gilding, credited with the discovery, has recently become the richest person in the world, far surpassing Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates. The student promises free tuition for everyone!
Go Pointers!
Jack Orlando
News Reporter
