Parking Changes Coming to UWSP
Written by: Brian Larson
[Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Pointer’s annual satirical April Fools’ edition, the Pointless. Pointless stories should not be taken seriously on April Fool’s Day or any other.]
Outrage erupted among employees in a Friday morning staff meeting at parking services. A confidential source within the department told The Pointer Monday morning that there are proposed major changes coming to Lot R, a major lot located by Dreyfus University Center. This lot provides metered and paid parking for commuting students, staff, and faculty. According to the source, the entirety of the lot would be removed and replaced with a park solely dedicated to a religious shrine to Stevie Pointer, the UW Stevens Point mascot.
The proposed shrine, which is being sponsored and paid for by the United Church for Canine Saints in Whiting, will be made of concrete with a bronze coating and stand between twenty-four and thirty feet tall. The shrine will also feature a small chapel and altar for religious services. The estimated cost for the land acquisition and structure is estimated to be between $600 thousand and $1.3 million dollars. The church body president, Kyle Watson, said in a statement to The Pointer that quote: “The shrine would be a great addition to the community. Our society has rejected Stevie and his divine plan for us. We have a duty as a church body to spread our gospel, and the best way we can think of doing this is spending over a million dollars on a thirty-foot statue.” He continued, “I don’t even know why the religious contexts matter. We’ve been a totally peaceful obscure cult for around thirty years now, and there’s never been any issues before.”
Advocates say though that the religious connotations may not be an appropriate feature to add to campus. When asked about the plan, one student responded “Don’t we need more parking spaces? Be so for real right now.” Another responded with “Wait… what’s the religious context exactly?” When informed of the existence of the United Church for Canine Saints, the student responded “Oh, so they’re furries. I don’t think it’s a religion, but this is a public university.” Overall, campus remains divided on the issue. If the project is approved, the chapel will be completed by fall of 2027, with the statue’s dedication coming sometime between 2028 and 2029.
Brian Larson
Contributor