Rival Gangs Under Control of the Mafia? Stevie Pointer Involvement?

Written by: Tessa Krause

[Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Pointer’s annual satirical April Fools’ edition, the Pointless. Pointless stories should not be taken seriously on April Fool’s Day or any other.]

Everyone around campus has seen the uptick of electric scooters around campus, along with the packs of LED trucks stalking about. Today, we have finally uncovered the whole, nasty truth! 

Anonymous, but trustable sources, have ratted the origin story of the UWSP Mafia. The electric scooter gang, new to this territory, encroached on the existing turf of the LED trucks. Since then, multiple fights have occurred under the cover of night near the cupola. However, things took a dramatic turn after Stevie Pointer returned from his winter break spent in New York. 

While Stevie Pointer was in New York, he was approached by the Godfather. He had learned of the continual gang versus gang violence occurring on campus, and suggests something more beneficial to everyone. The Godfather offered to make Stevie an Underboss to the New York Mafia family if he established a prominent family. Stevie was still unsure about how it would solve the violence on campus. The Godfather suggested that Stevie should approach the leaders of both gangs to unite them. They will be the start of the Wisconsin Mafia Family.  

After several failed attempts, both gangs were able to put aside their differences and work together. The sources indicated the huge uptick in crime was due to the Mafia influence. Stevie was promoted to Godfather of this Family, along with numerous other students to fulfill leadership roles. Since then, our campus has been demoted to the least safest in the entire UW System. Around the state, reports have said that there hasn’t been this much criminal activity since the times of Al Capone and other notorious gangsters. 

An official police investigation at UWSP has been launched. Stevie Pointer is currently the main dawg of interest. However, after this shocking confessional, the investigation should explore several other angles. Stevie is facing several counts of embezzlement, murder, attempted assassinations, manslaughter, grand theft auto, and robbery of the midnight train.  

My Pointer Press Pass allowed for an interview with Stevie himself. He wouldn’t answer any questions definitively, especially about his charges. However, he kept repeating that he’s “never going back to New York!” With the alleged accounts, it’s likely he won’t ever leave that dawg pound. 

When questioned about the future of this Mafia Family, or even the two gangs in general, my sources each gave different speculative answers. One said that they would dissolve completely. Another suggested that someone from New York may “transfer” to head the Family. A third speculated that someone from within the local Family would become the head of the organization, but at the potential cost of lives. Another voiced the idea of the Family splitting back into their respective gangs, going back to fighting over turf. Our campus would once again be ruled by electric scooters and LED trucks. 

When asked about their futures, each said that they are going into the Witness Protection Plan after this interview, only coming out of hiding to make several court appearances. They fear that after ratting on the Mafia, there would be no normal life for them again here, so they’re going to assume new identities and move off-grid.  

In the coming weeks, the Pointer will report on any new information once it becomes available. 

Stay safe when on the roll, dawgs! 

Tessa Krause

Contributor

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