Who Wants to Become Famous by Airing Out All of Your Dirty Laundry?
Written by: Tessa Krause
[Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Pointer’s annual satirical April Fools’ edition, the Pointless. Pointless stories should not be taken seriously on April Fool’s Day or any other.]
Attention all UWSP students! We have the latest on the television rumors!
We have the exclusive scoop about this wonderful opportunity to become a famous backstabber. The producers of The Bachelor have decided to branch out and want to begin a project collecting college horror stories. So, ladies and gentlemen! If you have emotional and or physical scars from stories about your college experience, and foes who are willing to tell their sides, these important producers want to see you!
Several rounds of auditions will occur, trying to weed out the juiciest tea. Depending on how well it goes, there might be more seasons to come, but also future classes to compete against. Everyone who wants a spot on this show should find real, traumatic events to be a part of.
However, producers also warn that anything made up or fabricated will warrant a life-long ban. Therefore, they warn students against trying to orchestrate something catastrophic in order to earn some television fame. They want the real stuff only!
Finally, producers want to make this point absolutely clear. They will be hiring hot actors and actresses to play the students selected for the show. They will only be using your name, story, and other private details explained further below.
The Pointer held several interviews as students were heading to their 8:00 am classes. Sadly, no answers were intelligible, so we actually don’t have any student opinions. Maybe we’ll try again, this time at three in the morning when students are returning to campus from any nightlife activities.
If you are unsure if your story will be good enough for these big-time producers, we would welcome you to send them to us, so we can evaluate (and possibly steal) any ideas we deem as good. If you are sending them to us, as per a producer’s request, we also would like all of your private governmental information like a photocopy of your birth certificate, driver’s license, social security card, and any other vital information that should remain confidential but isn’t because you’re going on television. They also want to prove that you’re human, and not just robots or AI.
I was able to get a total of two good interviews from two students who would totally prefer to remain anonymous. Each had their own horror story, and they made me pinky promise to secrecy. So, unfortunately, I cannot divulge or exploit their stories for my own personal gain for fear of breaking that pinky promise that was made in blood. However, they both made it clear that they were excited that these terrible moments in their lives can be broadcasted for entertainment and live in the ether for all of eternity.
Hopefully, after everything is said and done, all of the students who choose to appear on this show will be able to hold jobs that require college degrees, and not just a high school diploma.
As for what story I’ll be entering? I’ve gotten some ideas, particularly about Stevie and his gang involvement, along with my piece about the Earth being flat. However, I also have tea for days that I will not be spilling here. I will also be willing to listen to and steal, I mean borrow, any ideas sent in, provided that they include all of your governmental information.
Good luck, and “may the odds be ever in your favor!”
Tessa Krause
Contributor
