Dollar General Replaces Schmeeckle
Ethan Laufenberg/Photo
[Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Pointer’s annual satirical April Fools’ edition, the Pointless. Pointless stories should not be taken seriously on April Fool’s Day or any other.]
Schmeeckle Reserve burned down on Saturday, March 28. at 3:33 a.m. due to an accidental fire, with no reported casualties, although the local squirrel population was affected.
In light of the incident, plans have been announced to construct a Dollar General in the center of Lake Joanis, along with a slide for access to the island.
The fire was first spotted around 11 p.m. March 27 by a group of students who thought it was part of a short film being produced by Media Studies majors.
An hour and a half later, the fire was generating a significant amount of smoke. A student called the fire department around 1 a.m, but the situation was dismissed as simply students smoking again. By the time firefighters arrived on the scene, the fire had spread and was out of control.
“The fire spread tremendously across the reserve,” said Firefighter Criss Chross. Another bystander, Rosa Bush, who witnessed the unfolding scene, said, “The lake was the only thing that didn’t lose its cool.”
Due to damage, Friends of Schmeeckle announced that it will cost over $20 million to restore the damaged habitat. As part of efforts to address this issue, a Dollar General store is planned for the middle of what was Schmeeckle to help raise funds until the habitat can be repaired.
“It’s kind of Dollar General to work with us to solve this issue, and hopefully we can be back with a new forest in a couple of years,” said a representative from Friends of Schmeeckle.
The local squirrels are unhappy with the current situation, as their homes have been completely destroyed.
“I had just finished repairing my home after a student was smoking near my tree; now my entire tree is gone, and I have to spend my nights rummaging through the trash cans on campus,” said Chip Munk, a squirrel who lived in the Schmeeckle Reserve.
Schmeeckle Services has been having difficulty locating all the animals near campus. If you encounter any deer, squirrels, chipmunks, raccoons, or birds near your residence, please be mindful of their presence during this challenging time.
Director Russell Sprout of the Humane Society of Portage County said, “Many animals are currently in a state of denial and may be hard to connect with. If any agitated deer or other animals show up on your porch, please contact us, and we will assist with rehoming them.”
The Dollar General will open in late March. or early April. depending on how long construction takes. The addition of a slide will be made soon to help with the process of construction.
Abigail Holmes
News Reporter
aholm452@uwsp.edu
