The Science Department Proves the Earth is Flat!
Written by: Tessa Krause
[Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Pointer’s annual satirical April Fools’ edition, the Pointless. Pointless stories should not be taken seriously on April Fool’s Day or any other.]
We have received word that several undergraduate students were able to prove that the Earth is, indeed flat, for their spring undergraduate symposium. Under the direct supervision of the head of the science department, these four students have finally been able to put this myth to rest.
The Earth is flat, and all of the round-earthers were wrong!
In response to this scientific discovery, several prestigious journals have wanted to interview all of the students involved in this project. However, your very own Pointers Newspaper was able to get the first exclusive interviews. Those will be published later with more in-depth interviews.
Overall, these students were very surprised. Of course, they had to be unbiased, but they were sure the Earth was round. However, once they got past the propaganda from the government, they were able to discover the truth. These students were so shocked by their discover, they went through the steps of the scientific method again. They retested all of their experiments ten times, and getting the same results.
Upon ending this interview, I decided to reach all of the flat-earthers the only way I knew best. I sent out an email through my personal account to the entire school, including staff and faculty. This message probably went into either spam or trash, exactly where I wanted it. Only the true flat-earthers would take a survey that was sent there. I had one of my closest confidants look for the email, and it warned her of nuclear war if she opened it. We decided to risk it, and she took the survey. I had over two hundred and sixty-nine responses.
However, I wanted to get the perspective of students who weren’t flat earthers, so I went into several science classes and asked them to take my survey. Several professors were angry that I was interrupting their lectures for this, but I also had them take the survey, and they were appeased. I made sure the element of surprise was on my hand, not even the professors knew I was coming!
When the final results were in, most students were flabbergasted to know that the Earth actually is flat! However, these undergraduate students were thorough with their research and provided more than enough feasible evidence to prove their claims.
As for my personal opinion on the matter, even after all of this, I am still unconvinced. I guess that just means that I will forever be a round-earther. I guess we’ll be the next misunderstood conspiracy theorists about the Earth actually being round. Please, feel free to reach out to The Pointer if you are also feeling the hate for still continuing to believe that the Earth is round. We are here for all sorts of believers.
Tessa Krause
Contributor
